Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

I can't help but sing that Lionel Richie song as I browse through the searches that have turned people to the doorstep of this little site.

The searches range from the everyday query to the seriously depraved. Something as innocent as Yankees info (uhhh...those people were probably pissed) or as grotesque as beastiality or the infamous 'sperm juice recipe'. Ewww. Classic ewww.

There have been some interesting new searches this week. One for 'artificial vagina smell'. That can be taken so many different ways. Perhaps he was wondering which plastics his new artificial vagina smelled like, be it vinyl or latex, etc. Or maybe, for what ever odd reason, he wanted to find a perfume scented like vagina. Maybe to scent his artificial vagina with the vagina perfume.

I once watched a show, probably something like Real Sex on HBO, some years ago where they had this guy who sold women's underwear. Nothing unusual about that, right? Except that he advertised them as having been worn by various models on his web site. Now, to prove that they had actually been worn, which they hadn't, he made up a concoction of tuna juice and other odd odors and then laced the panties with his 'artificial vagina smell'. The men went nuts over it, and he made alot of money.

How many women actually smell like tuna? That is foul. Do they not bathe? When did it become widely accepted that that is what a woman smells like? If a woman's vagina smells like tuna, there is something very wrong.

Perhaps if the gentleman looking for 'artificial vagina smell' invested in some Chicken of the Sea... No. Seriously, back me up here ladies. Women who practice proper personal hygiene, do not smell like the Friday lunch special at the local deli.

Another common search that leads people to this site is 'how do I make my vagina smell and taste good' or some close variation of that very question. For those people, a service announcement. BE CLEAN. Thats all it takes. Your partner will either like the taste of your pussy, or they won't. Theres really not a whole hell of a lot that you can do to change that. Yes, there are flavored sprays out there, but they are often full of sugar which is bad for two reasons. The first: sugar is not Atkins friendly. LOL Is eating pussy worth the extra carbs associated with the flavored sprays? Some diehard Atkins followers may not agree. Second, sugar is not a good thing to add 'down there'. Its a real good way to catch a UTI or yeast infection quicker than you can say Splenda.

Some people can't stand the taste of pussy juice, just like some people can't stand the taste of ejaculate. Theres nothing you can do about that.

I know I've addressed this one before, but its such a common reason people pit stop here, and it goes well with the previous query, so I'll include it. 'How do I make my come taste good?' People have said that eating alot of fruit makes it sweeter, drinking lots of coffee makes it bitter, and eating lots of nuts makes it nuttier. I have dated a vegetarian, a java junkie, and a Mr Peanut supporter. Come tastes like come, tastes like come, tastes like come. Sometimes its more bitter, sometimes its very watery, sometimes it very thick. But the bottom line: it always tastes like come.

It is inevitable that the man will at one point, usually in the heat of passion, ask if his come tastes good. Now, I like to give blow jobs, I like Rick to come in my mouth, and I always swallow. Keeping this in mind, if they came out with a new come flavored beverage like, I dunno, Jism Cola, I would not be hot to buy it. I enjoy come in that it is a passionate exchange between lovers, but don't feel the need to 'consume' it for fun. So does come taste good? Yes and no.

I leave you with one last entertaining search that brought some poor soul to my site.

'how do i jack off/instructions to masterbate'

Yes, I know its spelled wrong. I copied the search exactly. Just think of the things that person saw on these pages.