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Thursday, September 30, 2004

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

I can't help but sing that Lionel Richie song as I browse through the searches that have turned people to the doorstep of this little site.

The searches range from the everyday query to the seriously depraved. Something as innocent as Yankees info (uhhh...those people were probably pissed) or as grotesque as beastiality or the infamous 'sperm juice recipe'. Ewww. Classic ewww.

There have been some interesting new searches this week. One for 'artificial vagina smell'. That can be taken so many different ways. Perhaps he was wondering which plastics his new artificial vagina smelled like, be it vinyl or latex, etc. Or maybe, for what ever odd reason, he wanted to find a perfume scented like vagina. Maybe to scent his artificial vagina with the vagina perfume.

I once watched a show, probably something like Real Sex on HBO, some years ago where they had this guy who sold women's underwear. Nothing unusual about that, right? Except that he advertised them as having been worn by various models on his web site. Now, to prove that they had actually been worn, which they hadn't, he made up a concoction of tuna juice and other odd odors and then laced the panties with his 'artificial vagina smell'. The men went nuts over it, and he made alot of money.

How many women actually smell like tuna? That is foul. Do they not bathe? When did it become widely accepted that that is what a woman smells like? If a woman's vagina smells like tuna, there is something very wrong.

Perhaps if the gentleman looking for 'artificial vagina smell' invested in some Chicken of the Sea... No. Seriously, back me up here ladies. Women who practice proper personal hygiene, do not smell like the Friday lunch special at the local deli.

Another common search that leads people to this site is 'how do I make my vagina smell and taste good' or some close variation of that very question. For those people, a service announcement. BE CLEAN. Thats all it takes. Your partner will either like the taste of your pussy, or they won't. Theres really not a whole hell of a lot that you can do to change that. Yes, there are flavored sprays out there, but they are often full of sugar which is bad for two reasons. The first: sugar is not Atkins friendly. LOL Is eating pussy worth the extra carbs associated with the flavored sprays? Some diehard Atkins followers may not agree. Second, sugar is not a good thing to add 'down there'. Its a real good way to catch a UTI or yeast infection quicker than you can say Splenda.

Some people can't stand the taste of pussy juice, just like some people can't stand the taste of ejaculate. Theres nothing you can do about that.

I know I've addressed this one before, but its such a common reason people pit stop here, and it goes well with the previous query, so I'll include it. 'How do I make my come taste good?' People have said that eating alot of fruit makes it sweeter, drinking lots of coffee makes it bitter, and eating lots of nuts makes it nuttier. I have dated a vegetarian, a java junkie, and a Mr Peanut supporter. Come tastes like come, tastes like come, tastes like come. Sometimes its more bitter, sometimes its very watery, sometimes it very thick. But the bottom line: it always tastes like come.

It is inevitable that the man will at one point, usually in the heat of passion, ask if his come tastes good. Now, I like to give blow jobs, I like Rick to come in my mouth, and I always swallow. Keeping this in mind, if they came out with a new come flavored beverage like, I dunno, Jism Cola, I would not be hot to buy it. I enjoy come in that it is a passionate exchange between lovers, but don't feel the need to 'consume' it for fun. So does come taste good? Yes and no.

I leave you with one last entertaining search that brought some poor soul to my site.

'how do i jack off/instructions to masterbate'

Yes, I know its spelled wrong. I copied the search exactly. Just think of the things that person saw on these pages.


At Thursday, September 30, 2004 10:51:00 PM, Blogger Patrick H. said...

LOL at the odor discussion. It reminds me of a comedienne I saw once who went on a rant about smelly women, then asked "What do you think FDS means? F*ck da soap?"

Vaya con Dios,


At Friday, October 01, 2004 12:27:00 AM, Blogger its life jim, but not as we know it said...

ok you beat me hands down, or should I say panties with artificial vagina smell down?

The best hit I have had from a search engine was for "her braless breast".

At Friday, October 01, 2004 2:36:00 AM, Blogger Salvatori said...


I'm not sure I really want to go down this road but since you brought the topic up... In my possibly limited experience, women's "bits" have a range of smells and some ladies are more pungent down there than others - regardless of hygiene.

On the subject of the taste of "baby batter", Urban Stud (link on my blog) came across "Semenex" which reputedly is a cum-sweetener (I haven't checked to see if it comes in a low-cal version). As he points out, what kind of drugs does one have to be on to think of developing that stuff??? Might ask the wife whether we should try it but she has never objected so far! ;-))


At Friday, October 01, 2004 8:13:00 AM, Blogger SN said...

much as i adore blowjobs..
i would not be buying 'Jism Cola' either...
lol...but i am giggling quite a bit.

At Friday, October 01, 2004 8:26:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just Another Sign of the Coming Apocalypse

The very fact that the Atkins Diet and/or carbs are mentioned in the same sentence as eating pussy!!! Stop the madness!!!lol

At Friday, October 01, 2004 10:19:00 AM, Blogger StuckForNow said...

damn..I pity the poor guy who needed instructions...

At Friday, October 01, 2004 3:39:00 PM, Blogger Mike said...

How do you find out what searches people are doing to get to your site? I wanna try!

At Friday, October 01, 2004 11:53:00 PM, Blogger rolandog said...

Mike you need to get yourself a counter for your blog. Once you set up the counter, you'll have lots of stats, ranging from IP addresses of visitors to where the visitors are located. Other stats are 'entries' and 'exits' and so on...
Some counters can offer search engine hits stats... and I think that the Good Wife has the same service as I do.

Well, nevertheless, I have the sudden craving for tuna... (do I hear a Homer Simpson Audio Quote?)

At Saturday, October 02, 2004 12:24:00 PM, Blogger FireResQGuru said...

Well, I like my tuna hot, so pass the mayo, cheese and bread so I can have me a tuna melt....Rolandog, you want one?

I don't think I will ever be able to go down on a woman again without thinking of this post!

At Saturday, October 02, 2004 10:52:00 PM, Blogger Tuna Girl said...

Yeah. Dammit.

I recently read a blog entry about how pussy tastes and smells like Papaya. That's a much nicer reference. I may have to change my name. ;-)

At Tuesday, October 05, 2004 5:44:00 AM, Blogger Beastie said...

90% of the time I would say its a lusty scent, something thats supposed to arouse good attention. Then there is the 10% of the time that something is not quite right...

Never had any issue with anything not tasting wonderful, maybe its just part of the whole experience thing, and if you are really into it, you would not notice if anything was "wrong". Like you said, I probably would not buy a soda made to taste like it... Then again.... :)


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