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Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval.

The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied:

"Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"


At Tuesday, October 19, 2004 1:13:00 PM, Blogger Patrick H. said...

ROFL ... love 'em!

Here's a couple to add to your collection
A teacher is asking her kids about animal sounds.

"Susie," she said, "what does a cat sound like."

"Meow," Susie said.

"Very good! Billy, what does a cow sound like?"

"Moo," Billy exclaims.

"Excellent," the teacher says. "Amanda, what does a dog sound like?"

"Arf! Arf!"

"Good, Amanda," says the teach. "Tyrone, what does a pig sound like?"

Tyrone stands up and shouts "get up against that wall and FREEZE, motherfucker!"
Another teacher tells her children that first thing Thursday morning, they're going to have an oral history quiz, and that as an added bonus, if she picks a kid who answers correctly, the kid gets to go home and have a long weekend, not returning until Monday. Thursday comes, and she starts the quiz. "In what year did Texas defeat Mexico to win independence?"

She points to Juan, who says 1836. The teacher congratulates the boy and sends him home, then asks who was the first president of the Republic of Texas, and then selects Maria from her class, who answers Sam Houston, and is likewise sent home. The teacher asks in what year Texas joined the United States, and points to Jose`, who correctly answers 1845. She then asks who was the second president of the Republic of Texas, and points to Alejandro, who answers Maribeau B. Lamar, then packs up for his weekend.

"Where did all of these Goddamn Mexicans come from, anyway," she hears a voice muttering.

"Who said that," the teacher asked, outraged.

Little Johnny stands up. "That would've been Colonel Bowie at the Alamo," he informs her. "Catcha Monday, okay?"


At Tuesday, October 19, 2004 1:18:00 PM, Blogger & said...

Okay, GW. You started it:

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "Beautiful" in the same sentences twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought My mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'

At Tuesday, October 19, 2004 1:31:00 PM, Blogger Patrick H. said...

BTW, I am a registered Texophile, and all of the answers her children gave were indeed correct, probably also including Col. Bowie's dying declaration. LMAO


At Tuesday, October 19, 2004 4:51:00 PM, Blogger rolandog said...

Wow GW... now YOU got me rolling on the floor laughing!!!

Excelent jokes!

At Tuesday, October 19, 2004 9:37:00 PM, Blogger cathy said...

thanks for all the laughs--needed it today

At Tuesday, October 19, 2004 11:27:00 PM, Blogger wilde_thought said...

Can I tell a stupid, sick joke? Please? This is one my wife loved when she read it in my Maxim Magazine. She loved it so much that she got me a two year subscription.

An elephant is walking through the forest when she steps on a thorn and cries out in pain. Hearing the trouble a mouse appears and asks what's wrong.
'I've got a thorn in my foot. It hurts something awful and I can't get it out,' she wimpers.
The mouse responds, 'I'll help get the thorn out but when I do you've got to let me fuck you up the ass.'
Startled by the request the elephant considers it for a moment and agrees to the ass fuck. Besides, she thinks, he's just a mouse.
In no time the mouse removes the thorn. The elephant then feels the mouse scamper up her back leg and begin to wiggle under her tail. The wiggling goes on for more than five minutes when the elephant in her boredom leans against a tree in the jungle. A coconut falls from the tree hitting the elephant on the head.
'Ouch,' yells the elephant.
'Yea. Take that bitch,' screams the mouse.

At Wednesday, October 20, 2004 7:58:00 AM, Blogger Good Wife said...

Thanks for all the jokes guys! lol They were good! I'm glad my twisted sense of humor is shared. ;)



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