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Thursday, August 05, 2004

Season's Greetings

It was a gorgeous day today, sunny and breezy with a high of only near 80. Thats just unbelievable for August in the midwest. Of course I decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather, and went out to tan. I was in the middle of a sun induced coma, muscles numb and relaxed from my daily sun therapy, when I suddenly noticed I had company. It was Santa Claus. lol Our neighbor bears an uncanny resemblence to jolly 'ol St Nick, and has the nicknames of Nick and Santa to show for it. Hes in his sixties, white hair and beard, pale skin with rosy cheeks, and of course the plumpness of any good Santa look alike. He had let himself through our gate and into our backyard and was walking towards me when I noticed him. He had on an open button up shirt, showing off his big hairy 'shake like a bowl full of jelly' belly. He was even less sexy than you can possibly imagine. lol I took off my headphones, curious to know why he felt the need to barge into our yard.

"You look hot."

Did Santa Claus just tell me I looked hot? I bet I get some awesome presents this year!

"Excuse me?"

"You look hot, honey. Warm. Overheated."

Maybe I won't have such a kick ass Christmas after all.

"I'm fine. Its only 80 degrees out today, Nick."

I saw he was holding a glass of iced tea.

"I brought you a drink. Its easy to get dehydrated in this sort of heat."

I guess hes still used to living at the North Pole, because, as I said it was only 80 and there was a pleasant breeze.

"I'm fine, hon. And I have a bottle of water right here", I said picking up the bottle of water and showing it to him.

"But its not fresh mad ice tea, now is it?"

That it was not. He handed me the tea, and suddenly I had this image in my head of Santa spiking the iced tea with some kind of date rape drug or something awful and perverted. I stared at the tea, expecting to see remnants of a crushed up pill floating around in it. Isn't that awful? But his shirt was unbuttoned! And I was barely dressed and here he was in my back yard after obviously noticing me lying out, even though hes not even the next door neighbor.

"Thanks, Nick." I set the tea down.

"Well aren't you gonna drink it?"

Aha! It must be drugged! Bad Santa! Bad!

"Of course I will, thank you for thinking of me. Did you need something else?"

He seemed to hunt for some other reason to stick around, but came up with nothing.

"No, I just didn't want you to get overheated. You, know laying in the sun is bad for you. You should lay in the shade."

"I know. I'll take my chances in the sun though."

"If you like the tea, I've always got plenty more."

"Thanks Nick." And I put the headphones back on as he finally left. That sounds mean, doesn't it? lol But then wouldn't you feel bad if he really did drug me? I didn't drink the tea, my paranoia got the best of me. I have a feeling he'll bring me more though. Damn Santa. lol


At Thursday, August 05, 2004 8:17:00 PM, Blogger SemperSexualis said...

One of the funniest stories ever. Poor Santa... you know what they say about Santa only coming once a year... and it's down a chimney. Poor guy.

At Thursday, August 05, 2004 8:40:00 PM, Blogger Good Wife said...

LMAO!! Great comment! Too funny! Hee hee! Poor Santa indeed. No wonder he tried to drug me! ;0)


At Thursday, August 05, 2004 10:06:00 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

I wish I lived next door to you.

Seriously, get a lock on that gate. That's got perv written all over it. Even if you don't lock it, shove a stick through there or something.

We're lucky to have a pool/spa with a six foot privacy fence and no windows that can see in. You know what that means - au naturel, 24/7.

My wife is nuts about making sure the lock is on the gate before her clothes come off. Strange since we only barely know one of our neighbors (and none of the others) and I can't even imagine a scenario where they would let themselves in the yard.

Santa is a perv. I always suspected it, now we have proof.


At Friday, August 06, 2004 3:33:00 PM, Blogger Phin Samuels said...

That's a Bad Santa!


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